mindset myths

Debunking Mindset Myths in 2021

Let’s debunk some mindset myths.*A note on mindset before we begin; mindset is an amazing and helpful tool but if we don’t take aligned action it’s just thoughts. Make sure you do the mindset work AND take action. 

This week we are going to dig into the new year with new mindset myths that we think will empower us but actually hold us back. Mindset myths are out there trying to convince us to play small, to be a participant in the hamster wheel of toxic positivity and that success is just one more checkbox away. 

As a coach I see these pop up online and with my clients. In my practice it is essential that we work through these myths. Identifying where these are wrong and how we can build a more empowering mindset philosophy will help us on our journey to identifying what we want to do and how to get there. 

Mindset Myth #1: Failure = Bad

Failure is somewhat taboo. No one really likes admitting they were wrong. As a society we have made failure into a negative. Our obsession with not failing can push us over the edge. When we let our ego take over and refuse to admit that things aren’t going to plan we dig in deeper and make our mistake have a much larger impact than necessary. This mindset does not serve us when we are trying something new. 

In my personal life I’m someone who learns best by f*cking up. If I go for something, I get my hands messy, commit to it & then things go sideways. I may feel like a failure temporarily but after I reflect I learn A LOT more than if things went well right off the bat. Smooth waters never made a good sailor rings true in my life.

Failure happens, mistakes get made, and in the moment it can feel like sh*t. What we do with that failure is what matters. If we can recognize failure when it pops up, see it as a sign to pivot and not associate with feeling bad about ourselves we can adapt, adjust and rebuild. That adaptability is what self development is all about. 

Mindset Myth #2: A positive mindset is the only way to achieve success

The idea that we are one mindset shift away from being Bill Gates is absolute BS. You are not Bill Gates, you will never be Bill Gates, you are YOU! So many successful people have negative mindsets (hence why they hoard wealth) and so many positive people are struggling. Your current situation is not JUST a result of your mindset and if anyone tries to package and sell that to you they are full of sh*t. 

The toxic positivity around mindset work infuriates me. It takes an inkling of truth and turns it into a philosophy.  A positive mindset is a wonderful tool, it helps us look for solutions instead of wallowing, it helps us find the magic in the mundane, it can keep us afloat while we search for the right job, relationship or situation. It is not a ferry to your goals – it’s water wingies for when you fall in the water.

Your water wingies of positivity help you stay afloat. But you have to see the negatives, the hard stuff, the failures (see myth 1) if you want to grow. If we view our goals SOLELY through rose colored glasses we are going to miss the red flags. You deserve to achieve your goals in a way that is authentic to your human experience – don’t dim it down under the guise of “good vibes only”. 

Mindset Myth #3: I will be happy when I accomplish my goals...

Our final mindset myth is the illusive “I’ll be happy when…” Delaying our happiness by tying it to our success is a recipe for frustration. With this mindset we give in to hustle culture. We let our output determine our worth. We tell ourselves really pretty lies like “I’ll be happier when I am successful” or “My success is just around the corner”.

Instead of giving in to the hunt we need to learn to be present. I’m a big proponent of practicing mindfulness. Finding ways to find happiness or joy or fulfilment in the moment we are in. Be here now. Find the real moments now. Happiness is not something to chase in the future – it’s something to look for in the now. 

Mindfulness and being present can range from meditation (classic kind or moving meditation like yoga or dance), simply looking around the room for something that makes you smile or checking in with our body or heart to see where things come up and where we can heal. 

Happiness isn’t something to delay – it’s something to seek right now. 

To Wrap Things Up 

There are a LOT of mindset myths out there. These myths convince us to play small, gaslight ourselves and delay joy. In 2021 I’m encouraging you to call out the bs, to recognize the signs of mindset myths and toxic positivity and to ask for help if you want it. 

As a way to help more people in 2021 I’ve added some new coaching sessions to my services page. Discovery calls are always free. Let’s align your mindset with action and make a plan to make 2021 work for you. 

** please do not use this post to replace mental or physical health care from a physician. Always work with a licensed professional when it comes to your health. 

what do you want

How to Ask for what YOU Want this Year

Ready for your first tip of 2021? 

2021 is the year that we are going to ask for what we want! So tell me, what do you want?

Semi easy in concept but when we really start thinking about it, identifying what we want and why we want it can get messy. Do we really want to run a marathon or do we just like the idea of having run a marathon? Do we really want to be a millionaire or do we just want to not worry about money? Are we sure we want to be a doctor or are we just assuming we want to because it’s the only career we have ever considered?

When we start asking ourselves what we ACTUALLY want things get messy. But if we don’t take the time to check in on what we want we may end up with regret about how we spent our short time on this rock. Sure we might run the marathon but if we hate every moment of it what was the point? What were we really looking for from that experience? Can we quit halfway to our goal? 

Sometimes choosing our goals can feel high stakes. Never fear, I’m here to help you make this a little easier on yourself!

It is NOT Ungrateful to Want More 

First, we must be able to let ourselves want! Allowing ourselves to desire can be hard especially since we have spent the majority of our lives being told that we should be grateful for what we have. Gratitude is wonderful, it has a purpose, it is well meaning but we have to be able to be grateful AND desire more at the same time. If not, we may end up stagnant. 

Being demanding, wanting more and having the confidence to ask for it is not ungrateful. Ignore the bs from society telling you to play small. You can be grateful and want more. In fact, I recommend that you be grateful and want more. 

Make a List 

Now that you have let yourself want it’s time to make a list. Just like Santa… but this list is just for you. Literally, no shame, no judgment, no realistic outlooks required. Just a list of whatever you want!

This includes everything from your dream career, home, whatever you want. You can niche this down if you are specifically looking for guidance in your career or you can leave it wide open. Think of anything and everything that you believe would support you or make you happy. Begin asking yourself why you want things as you write them down but don’t overthink it. 

Throw Anything You “Should” Want Away 

After you have that list ready to go it’s time to look it over for any “shoulds”. If you’ve been here for a while you know how I feel about should-ing ourselves. I hate it.

Removing should’s varies by person but one of the ways I do it is to check in with my guts. Instead of getting in my head about the items on my list I start asking myself how my heart feels about the goal. Am I excited? Are there happy butterflies in my stomach? Am I nauseous because it seems like something that will take a lot of work? Does that end goal excite me enough to work through it? 

Be honest with yourself. It is your life. At the end of the day you are the only one who has to look back on what you’ve done and live with the choices. I promise that the authenticity that may be really hard in the moment will pay off in the end. 

Imagine the End Result

After we remove our should’s it’s time to imagine the end result of what we want. Some key questions to ask ourselves: 

How do you feel and what does it look like? The answer to this is going to help you stay motivated. 

Does the end result include expectations that are not connected to items on your list? 

Remove or add items as needed.

Finalize that List

Write up that final list of what you want. All of it. From the career changes to the healthy habits to anything and everything in between. Once you have your list finalized it’s time to pick a goal or two to start working towards. 

Make a Plan 

Finally, now that you know what you want it’s time to start making a plan. May I recommend this blog post about goal setting to get you started? 

Remember, goal setting is fun, change is exciting and going for what we want can be rewarding and HARD. If you get stuck, need help, get lost or just need someone to chat out your next steps with you please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m here to help! Discovery calls are always free. I have some 1:1 monthly coaching spots available and if you need something to work on with your own time check out my in depth goal setting and planning program called WDYW

Ready to go for those goals? I’m so excited to watch you succeed! 

** please do not use this post to replace mental or physical health care from a physician. Always work with a licensed professional when it comes to your health. 

Goal Setting: Expectation v. Reality

Goal Setting: Expectation v. Reality 

Have you ever set goals expecting a very specific result only to have reality deliver you something completely different? 

I know I have! And honestly, it isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes the detour we end up on is where we are meant to be. But, for the majority of us it’s important to get realistic about where our goals might lead us so we don’t end up disappointed with our results. 

Today I’m going to share with you a little about expectations v. reality and how we can be kinder to ourselves on our journey to our goals. 

Goal Setting 

Goal setting always seems more straightforward in concept than it is in execution. For me, dreaming up the goals is the fun part! It’s exciting, it’s motivating and it can cause us to set some really high expectations. Which is why I’ve learned to slide my rose colored glasses down my nose after I’ve set my goals. If not, I may end up with a major dissonance between my expectations and my reality.

Dreaming up what we want to do and how we want to do it is exciting, motivating and the perfect place to begin. But once we have that dream we need to start mapping out our action plan to get there. *If you want help mapping an action plan to your goals visit my Coaching Services page or send me an email about my self paced program about goal setting WDYW* My number one tip for this is to take your big goal and break it down into TINY TINY BITE SIZED goals. Make them as small as you need and be kind to yourself while you do it – life is not a race. 

If you miss a step, you get stuck somewhere or you miss a few days of your new habit be kind to yourself. Don’t quit, don’t start backtracking, don’t give up on your desired change; instead of restarting take a moment to see how far you have come, celebrate the steps you have taken and see if there is an even smaller step you can take towards your goal. 

Slow change isn’t sexy but it’s stable and effective. 

Adapting Goals 

Sounds easy on paper but I know managing our expectations of ourselves is hard work. I’ve noticed that many of us either over or underestimate our ability to change quickly. We view a mistake or a missed day as a failure instead of a chance to get better at change and then we use the failure as an excuse to quit or be mean to ourselves. 

So instead of being mean to ourselves we need to learn to embrace adapting. It’s time to remove the expectations and get in touch with our reality. 

When we get stuck it’s a sign that our approach isn’t working. It does not mean we should quit, it just means we need to try something new or change our desired outcome. Next time you get stuck on a goal setting journey check in with yourself. Try asking yourself the following: 

  • Do I still want the goal I’m going after? What is it about that desired result that I am after? 
  • Are my expectations of this process not being met? 
  • Is there a way to approach this step differently? 

Answering the questions above will help you figure out your next step. Getting super clear on what we want before going for our goals is important but even the best laid plans need to adapt at times. Sometimes we fall more in love with the idea of completing a goal than the goal itself. Occasionally we set ourselves up to expect a result that isn’t directly tied to the goal we set. It gets messy.

It’s Ok to Change Your Mind 

It’s ok to have to change things up; you are not a work project you are allowed to change your mind. Keep your goal setting human and check in with yourself (or have a coach help you!).

I hope this helps you get a bit clearer on your expectations v reality as we head into the goal setting season. And if you are still exhausted from 2020 it’s ok to hold off on setting goals until you are ready. You do not have to start your goals on January 1st –  you can start making a change today, next month, or later in the year. Take care of you first. 

Sending you all lots of love and here to help you get your goals in order! Visit the Coaching Services page or the Etsy to get started. Discovery calls are always free.

** please do not use this post to replace mental or physical health care from a physician. Always work with a licensed professional when it comes to your health. 

bossbabe culture has to go

I’ve Fallen for #bossbabe Before…

The mlms are out for the holidays and they want to make you a bossbabe or #girlboss! By now we all know I’m staunchly against anything #girlboss, #bossbabe or anything that remotely sounds like that. I find it to be infantilizing, filled with toxic positivity, perpetuating grind culture and it tends to target the vulnerable. It’s not because I think the women spreading this culture are evil – it’s because it’s remotely cult-like and triggers sorority girl memories that I would rather keep repressed. Because at one point I too drank the kool aid. I have fallen for the too good to be true motivational candy. And I’ve done it more than once. Usually that comes in the form of MLMs but today I’m going to highlight a few ways it’s snuck into our less obvious potentially problematic organizations. 

**Before we begin this blog is my opinion and observation of bossbabe culture. It is not an attack on any one organization, company or sisterhood**

Bossbabe culture feeds us too good to be true motivation. Our too good to be true motivational candy is out there to dupe us into thinking we need to be more. A favorite example of mine is Beyonce (love her – this example has little to do with her as a person but just stick with me on this). Have you ever had someone try to motivate you by saying that YOU have the same number of hours in the day as Beyonce so you could be just as productive as her? That is a lie. It’s a fallacy. Sure, we all get 24 hours in a day but Beyonce has a team to help her…I run my business solo (with Brenton as my volunteer editor). We cannot all be like Beyonce – it’s bullshit. We don’t have her team, her resources and even if we did we are all still uniquely different people with different goals and life plans. 

But, it’s easy to fall for these overly simplistic motivational statements. I know this first hand because I have done it. I don’t necessarily consider myself gullible but these statements feed off our fears, they tell us that anything is possible, they play into our optimism and hope that we can have it all (which maybe we can but its not doing to show up thanks to a toxic positivity quote). So I’m going to share with you my mistakes. Because I have a handful of times I’ve fallen for the candy, I wanted something so bad I was willing to ignore the warning signs – and to tell you that you should never be ashamed of getting tricked. But, you should be ashamed if you intentionally trick others.  

Bossbabe and toxic positivity

Bossbabe culture utilizes toxic positivity as a marketing tool. Toxic positivity breeds in sisterhoods. Not legitimate sisterhoods, I’m talking about the sisterhoods you pay for. So joining a sorority at 19 was not my best decision. If you really think about it, a sorority can be like a mlm without the reward of income. You get suckered in, love bombed by your new friends for a quarter. You have to attend events, pay money to be told that you have to follow rules that don’t make any sense and then you are asked to recruit new friends BUT you can’t actually talk about what you do. (We were not allowed to talk about boys, booze, politics, money, or anything else that actually matters when joining a sorority). Since we weren’t allowed to blatantly talk about things we had to beat around the bush and ask probing questions like “have you taken any family vacations” (a sign of money) or literally lie through our teeth when asked about drinking “some of the girls who are 21+ like to grab dinner downtown and have a nice glass of wine with it”. 

Recruitment itself breeds toxicity, it gaslights people with a false view of the organization, it lovebombs new members and then you end up resentful (ok so maybe that was just me). It was not all bad but it was definitely a rose colored glasses made me miss the red flags kind of thing. 

Rose colored glasses hide red flags

So with all of these red flags how did I find myself a proud sister for three years? Philanthropy. I love helping people. It’s the best way to manipulate me – tell me I’m helping someone else. I love helping women, I love building strong empowered women up and I loved the idea of joining an organization that did that. But the politics behind the philanthropy, how little it felt like we actually helped anyone and the politics behind putting on any philanthropic events made me want to scream. Telling people you do something and actually executing on it are two very different things. 

My senior year I dropped the sorority. Do I love the sisters I keep in contact with? Yes. Was it worth the money? Probably not but I had a safe place to live. Do I wish I had left earlier than I did – yes. But, without joining that sorority I wouldn’t have learned the warning signs of what comes after love bombing, I wouldn’t have met some of my best friends and I would have probably paid rent to a slumlord in Santa Barbara. I had to detox from the cult-like “in crowd” or “out crowd” feelings and I had to let the anger that accompanied how bad I had been duped go. But it was a hard choice to make. It was difficult to let go because I had already “invested so much”. So when I tell you that I understand how easy it is to get tricked into an mlm or a scam believe me – I’ve been there.  

#Bossbabe & #Girlboss in Business

After college the bossbabe culture became a bit more obvious. The scams seemed easier to read – yet I still fell for them. 

This breaks down into two sections for me. Time and time again I have fallen for the love bombing of a new job – only to finally have the rose colored glasses slip off my nose after the onboarding is over. I’ve learned a lot from every job I’ve had and I’m honestly grateful for all of them but I wish I had read the signs earlier. 

But the final form of #Bossbabe culture I’ve fallen for is business coaching. SOME business coaches love to spew toxic positivity quotes about how mindset is the only thing separating YOU from Bill Gates. I’ve covered this on a past blog post but to summarize – toxic positivity is a wonderful marketing tool. This “anyone can be a #bossbabe” mentality ignores the enormous amount of privilege the coach may have had, it erases the struggle of their clients and it feeds lies to those who are struggling about how success is always just around the corner. Optimism is great but it shouldn’t be packaged and sold for thousands of dollars. Skills should be included with the price. 

Much like an mlm up line spewing toxic positivity, these individuals can feed off our desire to believe that people are inherently good, that people are watching out for us and that everyone is capable of creating a life filled with rainbows and sunshine. Which is partially true. What SOME business coaches do is leave out the hard work (not all, after all – I’m a career coach and I have met business coaches with beautiful intentions), they skip over the hard stuff like OPERATING A BUSINESS and focus on “mindset only” work. After working with a couple of the coaches I’ve met I can attest that mindset without action is a recipe for frustrated stagnation. 

Bossbabe has got to go! 

In conclusion, we have to let go of our bossbabe culture but I get why we fall for it. I do not want to be a #girlboss – I’m an adult woman. I already own my own business (legitimately). So, if you have fallen for the pretty pink lettering and the “positive vibes only” content – it’s ok. I’ve been there too! We can detox from this together. 

Need help getting your career together after an accidental stint in an mlm? Trying to get out of a company with a toxic positivity culture? Sign up for a free career coaching discovery call here

**this blog is my opinion and observation of bossbabe culture. It is not an attack on any one organization, company or sisterhood.

Christmas Magic: Santa Letter

Every year I write a letter to Santa and give it to my mother to deliver (she knows the big guy because she’s a pretty cool lady). You can mock it all you want but I think it’s a really fun way to get into the holiday spirit and share what I want with her. Over the years it has transitioned from a multipage handwritten letter with items listed from the JCPenney’s holiday catalogue (item numbers and page numbers included so the Elves could find the item to get inspiration) to a google doc with links.

While the format may have changed the sentiment is still the same. This letter is a chance for me to reflect on the year I’ve had, celebrate my victories and make my mom laugh. If you do not already do this I highly recommend bringing the magic back into Christmas by writing a Santa letter. Need some inspo? I’ve included my letter (items redacted) for your to peruse to get your creative juices flowing.

Let’s jump in!

Dear Santa, 

It’s me. Emily. Sr. Elf & unpaid North Pole intern (you are lucky you aren’t operating in the US or else that would be a CRIME). Usually I start this letter with some cute update about my life over the last year but to be honest time doesn’t matter anymore. So, in case you missed it here’s a short list of what I’ve done: 

  • Negotiated the highest salary I’ve ever had & then was promptly furloughed & let go. 
  • Started a business during a pandemic.
  • Reread the Harry Potter series 3-4 times. 
  • Was published TWICE by an online magazine that refuses to pay writers & did not respond to my request to become one of their paid authors (I don’t think they pay anyone & they just lie about potentially paying people to pull in free content – might want to add them to the naughty list). 
  • Started a Youtube channel & gave a lot of FREE content out to people because it makes me happy. 
  • Took a couple online business coach trainings only to realize that I hate being told what to do & the business coaching world is full of people who make money by telling people that they didn’t start making a lot of money until they became a business coach (another suggestion for the naughty list – sneaky liars). 
  • I wrote a BUNCH of blog posts & talked sh*t about pyramid schemes & MLMs (you are welcome) 

And a LOT more but like I said..I can’t recall when or what because time is a complete joke at this point. 

Every year I’ve asked for world peace & you have yet to deliver because humanity sucks. This year I would ask for a new president & for the end of COVID/ for science to matter but if we are working off world peace precedent I suppose it’s not worth the effort. After all you are Santa but you are not a miracle worker.

*insert list of items here. (My list included roller skates and wrist guards so that we don’t take a trip to the ER this Christmas)*

That’s all I can think of for now but as we all know the best gift is spending time with those you love! While I won’t get to hang out with you at Christmas Santa just know that I am thinking of you & wildly envious on how easy it would be to handle a pandemic in the North Pole considering you are all already quarantined together (but also could be an awful situation if just one elf got Covid…I hope you’re all alive & well).

Wear a mask, wash your hands & if you can’t figure out what to buy me think of Granny’s request every time we went to the grocery store for her “If you see something & think of me then get it!”

Love, 

Emily

There you have it – a little holiday inspo for you. Writing this list is an act of self love, it’s a way to show compassion and love to my mother and it’s just fun! Now go make your parents, aunts, friends or significant other’s day by sending them a Santa letter.

thank you grateful for all of you

Grateful For You Sale

I’m so grateful for all of you! I’m definitely going into Thanksgiving with a little extra gratitude in my heart this year. 

I’m assuming I am not alone in saying that this year did not go the way I planned it. Things were shaken up in ways I couldn’t have possibly imagined – it was absolutely terrifying and absolutely thrilling. 

Although starting a business during a pandemic hasn’t been the easiest thing I’ve done – it’s quickly become the most rewarding. I made a commitment to myself this year. Major choices and changes were made and I’m so grateful for all the love and support I’ve received through this process. My change management skills have never been more crucial and due to that they have also never been more honed in than they are right now. Which is why I want to help you jumpstart change before we go into 2021. 

Agent of Change 

Lasting change does not usually happen over night (need proof? Watch my new video over on my Youtube about building a new morning & bedtime routine). It takes time, effort, consistency and a lot of flexibility. As a coach, my job is to help you create lasting and fulfilling change in your life. My goal is to keep you motivated, moving and always adapting. While we chase our goals we get to ask the big questions, address our bigger feelings or reactions and get to know ourselves through the process. And I’m privileged enough to get to help guide you through it. 

To thank you all for a magical year of growth and change I’ve got a gift for all of you!  

One final, end of the year, complete and total SALE over on my Etsy. Everything (yes, even 1:1 coaching sessions) is 20% off!

If you have been hesitating on coaching now is a great time to start. Take that first step and make a small investment in you. Need help deciding where to start? Here’s a little breakdown of what’s on sale. 

Recent Graduate Session:

CONGRATS to the grads! Now you must embark on your career journey. So, what do you want to do?

This 1×1 coaching session is a perfect gift for soon to be or recent grads. We will go over career options, how to know if a job is right for you, salary negotiations, how to build a career path & more.

It also comes with a downloadable copy of my “But Really Tho: What do YOU want?” program worksheets.

Triggered AF:

Triggered AF! Lately social media has been triggering me. I’ve started comparing myself to everyone else online and silently judging myself or them for what I have (or don’t have). In this lesson I’m teaching you how I turned my social media triggers into opportunities for growth.

This program is a 30 minute virtual 1×1 that will help you identify your triggers, honor the emotions they bring up and turn your triggers into opportunities for growth. The framework is laid out for you – all you have to do is show up.

Life or Career Coaching:

A 1×1 90 minute coaching session. We can focus on life, career, or major changes. Some options below:

1 Time Brainstorming Session: Need a nudge? Someone to hold your hand while you jump? Let’s brainstorm your dream career – your dream life with this 90 minute session!

1 Time Planning Meeting: Know what you want but struggling to get it? Let’s make a plan! In this 90 minute chat we will make a plan, set it in motion and build up your courage to jump all in on your dreams!

Career Coaching 7 Session Program:

You CAN leave a job you don’t like! Let’s make a plan. This option includes 7 1×1 sessions and a complete career makeover! Our focus will be building your career confidence. This program also includes: resume editing, interview tips, LinkedIn tips, negotiating a higher salary and more. 

Gratitude:

Let’s get guided by gratitude! This 30 minute virtual 1×1 session is designed to help you build a gratitude practice.

Included in this bundle:

30 minute 1×1 call over zoom

PDF download of gratitude journal prompts to help you get started on your gratitude journey

WDYW:

This 7 lesson program is designed to help you identify what you want, make a plan to get it and pick yourself back up when you fall. It’s a 28 page guide with 7 additional worksheets designed to help you through the process.

This program can help you change your career, plan to run your first marathon or master your dream of writing a novel. Regardless of your goals this program is designed to motivate you to take control of your life.

I’ll be featuring these over on instagram this week @btrlytho 

Can’t decide? Sign up for a discovery call and we can pick together. 

Enjoy!