what do you want

How to Ask for what YOU Want this Year

Ready for your first tip of 2021? 

2021 is the year that we are going to ask for what we want! So tell me, what do you want?

Semi easy in concept but when we really start thinking about it, identifying what we want and why we want it can get messy. Do we really want to run a marathon or do we just like the idea of having run a marathon? Do we really want to be a millionaire or do we just want to not worry about money? Are we sure we want to be a doctor or are we just assuming we want to because it’s the only career we have ever considered?

When we start asking ourselves what we ACTUALLY want things get messy. But if we don’t take the time to check in on what we want we may end up with regret about how we spent our short time on this rock. Sure we might run the marathon but if we hate every moment of it what was the point? What were we really looking for from that experience? Can we quit halfway to our goal? 

Sometimes choosing our goals can feel high stakes. Never fear, I’m here to help you make this a little easier on yourself!

It is NOT Ungrateful to Want More 

First, we must be able to let ourselves want! Allowing ourselves to desire can be hard especially since we have spent the majority of our lives being told that we should be grateful for what we have. Gratitude is wonderful, it has a purpose, it is well meaning but we have to be able to be grateful AND desire more at the same time. If not, we may end up stagnant. 

Being demanding, wanting more and having the confidence to ask for it is not ungrateful. Ignore the bs from society telling you to play small. You can be grateful and want more. In fact, I recommend that you be grateful and want more. 

Make a List 

Now that you have let yourself want it’s time to make a list. Just like Santa… but this list is just for you. Literally, no shame, no judgment, no realistic outlooks required. Just a list of whatever you want!

This includes everything from your dream career, home, whatever you want. You can niche this down if you are specifically looking for guidance in your career or you can leave it wide open. Think of anything and everything that you believe would support you or make you happy. Begin asking yourself why you want things as you write them down but don’t overthink it. 

Throw Anything You “Should” Want Away 

After you have that list ready to go it’s time to look it over for any “shoulds”. If you’ve been here for a while you know how I feel about should-ing ourselves. I hate it.

Removing should’s varies by person but one of the ways I do it is to check in with my guts. Instead of getting in my head about the items on my list I start asking myself how my heart feels about the goal. Am I excited? Are there happy butterflies in my stomach? Am I nauseous because it seems like something that will take a lot of work? Does that end goal excite me enough to work through it? 

Be honest with yourself. It is your life. At the end of the day you are the only one who has to look back on what you’ve done and live with the choices. I promise that the authenticity that may be really hard in the moment will pay off in the end. 

Imagine the End Result

After we remove our should’s it’s time to imagine the end result of what we want. Some key questions to ask ourselves: 

How do you feel and what does it look like? The answer to this is going to help you stay motivated. 

Does the end result include expectations that are not connected to items on your list? 

Remove or add items as needed.

Finalize that List

Write up that final list of what you want. All of it. From the career changes to the healthy habits to anything and everything in between. Once you have your list finalized it’s time to pick a goal or two to start working towards. 

Make a Plan 

Finally, now that you know what you want it’s time to start making a plan. May I recommend this blog post about goal setting to get you started? 

Remember, goal setting is fun, change is exciting and going for what we want can be rewarding and HARD. If you get stuck, need help, get lost or just need someone to chat out your next steps with you please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m here to help! Discovery calls are always free. I have some 1:1 monthly coaching spots available and if you need something to work on with your own time check out my in depth goal setting and planning program called WDYW

Ready to go for those goals? I’m so excited to watch you succeed! 

** please do not use this post to replace mental or physical health care from a physician. Always work with a licensed professional when it comes to your health. 

mindset monsters

Meet Your Mindset Monsters

I’ve been thinking a lot about my mindset monsters. These monsters are thoughts that hold me back, the fears that keep me playing small, all the self beliefs that try to keep me “safe” and for a very long time they kept me from even knowing what I wanted to do. Since I’ve come to terms with my mindset monsters I’ve grown immeasurably and I have no plans to stop. But as I’ve ruminated on how they held me back I realized that my mindset monsters aren’t uniquely mine. 

I created a program about facing them and I shared it with all of you. This week that program is on a major sale and to accompany this sale I’m going to share a different monster everyday on my Instagram & Twitter this week. Our monsters include: 

  • Our “What If” Monster
  • Judgmental Jerry
  • Checking in with our gut 

Ready to jump in? Follow along on any of my social media platforms! 

Want to face your mindset monsters head on? Visit my Etsy & enter code 2020Burnout for 50% off 

Let’s find clarity on what you want, on your own time & at your own pace. 

Need someone to work through the program with you? Sign up for a coaching 1:1 & we can chat it out. Discovery calls are always free! Scroll to the bottom of this page to sign up!

personal brand

Is Your Personal Brand Holding You Back?

My fear of ruining my personal brand held me back – here’s what I’ve learned from letting that fear go.

I ran my blog for YEARS before I got up the courage to post about it on my personal Facebook and Instagram.

Why? Well, it’s not because I thought the quality was subpar or because I was shy about my writing. The fear of judgement was present but I didn’t fear social rejection – I feared workplace rejection. I was worried that if people saw all of me, the messy part, the human part, the authentic parts, it would hurt my professional image & personal brand. 

I was afraid to claim my art because it might jeopardize my career at the time or future career opportunities. My content didn’t align with the image I thought I had to uphold to be an HR professional. My fear of being unprofessional & my dependency on a “perfect” career held me back. 

Why Are We Worried About Our Personal Brand? 

I am proud to say that in 2019 I got over that. And by this point in 2020 I proudly post about my content on anything and everything. But I think it’s important to ruminate on how my fear of judgement from the workplace kept me from sharing my content earlier. 

In summary, I let my career dictate the success and excitement around a passion project – how awful is that? And I’ve noticed that many of the people I work with do the same thing. Those of us who dabble in the corporate world are constantly conscious of our reputations, how we are being perceived and how those perceptions dictate our potential.

Our personal brands determine our value in the workplace. Personal brand by definition is a widely-recognized and largely-uniform perfection or impression of an individual based on their experience, expertise, competencies, actions and/or achievements within a community, industry or marketplace at large (definition from https://personalbrand.com/definition/

In other words, it’s the confirmation that you are always being judged for how you show up in the professional world – which for perfectionists can be a HORRIBLE weight to carry. 

Personal Brand & Our Relationship with Work 

I think a lot of us treat our jobs like codependent relationships – and that’s by design. It’s no surprise that most of us are afraid to rock the boat – we quite literally rely on our jobs to keep us alive. Our jobs are the keepers of health insurance, basic income, and often our schedules. Depending on the company and culture our jobs may even dictate the relationships we have and what we do in our free time. 

Being “representatives” of a company can make us fearful to post authentically on our personal social media. We end up dragging our LinkedIn persona over to our Instagram or Facebook. We edit out all the human parts and create a boring image of perfection. This isn’t out of a personal desire to be secretive but from the fear that if we are seen holistically we may change someone’s perception of us in a negative way. 

One of the reasons we give our work SO much power is at will employment in the private sector. At will employment means that employers can end your employment at any time. Is it really that simple? No – it’s usually a lot of work on the HR side of things to decide to terminate someone. But does that ease the fear in any employees minds? Also no. And when we consider how many managers lack training on coaching conversations and turn to disciplinary terms when a mistake is made instead of fostering an environment of growth it’s not surprising employees are fearful. 

Kick Perfectionism and Personal Branding to the Curb

In summary, our jobs are all wrapped up in what we do and how we show up in the world. Our jobs dictate what we do in our free time. Our work “personal brand” can seep into our time off the clock. Is it possible to change this? Are we able to put solid boundaries between work and our lives at home? Are we allowed to be ourselves fully and authentically at work as long as we aren’t hurting anyone else in the process? I hope so and I’m here to help anyone who wants to do that. 

Ready to find a career that is authentically you? Head over here to schedule a discovery call

I want you to be able to show up as you for work. And I want to enable you to leave work at work. Let’s take the power back from our employers!

rest

Rest, Revisit and Integrate

This week we are going to rest and revisit previous blog posts. Why? Well, I’m tired. Are you tired? I’m tired. And since one of my favorite messages is that everyone is worthy of rest I think it’s essential to lead by example. So, this week we are resting. 

Rest is crucial to absorbing and retaining information. It is essential to take time to slow down if we want to perform at our best and without rest I become the grumpiest person on the planet (I make Oscar the Grouch look like an optimist).

Rest can be active (walking, moving meditations, yoga, reading) or it can be passive (napping, meditating, etc). Rest can be day dreaming, rest can be coloring. It can be spending time with family or ignoring all your calls. It’s up to you – it’s individual and you cannot do it wrong unless you don’t do it. 

This week on my Youtube channel I will be uploading a video about my struggle with setting a sleep schedule. It’s an ode to rest and I briefly touch on the importance of sleep (but if you want more I highly recommend reading Why We Sleep – it’s amazing). 

Other than the video we are going to keep new content to a minimum. Instead we are going to take some time to revisit the messages that I think need a little extra time to sink in. Ready for the schedule? 

Our Weekly Schedule

Sound fun? Follow along on instagram @btrlytho to keep up or go at your own pace. Integrate what resonates with you and let go of what doesn’t!

It’s your week to integrate and play – use it well! 

You Don’t Have to LOVE Your Job

I’m going to say something that may surprise you considering I’m a career coach. Are you ready for the best advice I can give you? You don’t have to love your job and no career choices are permanent.

You are allowed and encouraged to be fully and wholly fulfilled – even if you aren’t currently in LOVE with what you do.

Auditory learner? Here’s a video to help you out!

What Do You Want to Do When You Grow Up? 

Confused? Don’t worry. I used to be SO LOST on this and it’s confusing because our earliest experiences are influenced by society’s romanticization of work. As children we are asked what we want to “be” when we grow up. The normal answers to this are “ballerina”, “doctor” or another profession we’ve seen someone do and thought it looked cool. From our youngest years we are asked to start identifying ourselves based on primitive ideas of what we will do. We are asked to start picking potential professions and ways to make money before we even understand the system we will be working in.

Is Our Job Our Purpose?

Since we are being fed the idea that we have to contribute to society in an impactful way from a very young age it’s not surprising that we tie what we are meant to do with our lives as people to the job we choose to do. Capitalism is able to take advantage of the correlation between happiness, fulfillment and purpose to gaslight us into thinking our work is our main purpose. This culture convinces us that we live to work – when really a healthier mindset would be to work to live. 

Purpose has a place but it doesn’t need to be present in the office. Positive psychological research shows that people who lead lives filled with purpose are less prone to depression. I believe that people need purpose – but our purposes do not have to be directly tied to our careers. We can have many purposes or motivations for things including our families, painting, crafting, enjoying nature, visiting elderly family members and helping others. Feeling dispassionate about your job is normal and in my opinion can be a healthier stance to take than overly involved. Why? 

Romanticizing Capitalism and Work Gives Employers Power 

By tying our purpose to our jobs employers maintain influence over how we feel about ourselves because of the influence they have on how we feel about work. I know I struggled with processing “bad” days at work and often brought the negative mindset I picked up in the workplace home with me. How many times have you made a mistake at work and went home worrying about it? Our work stress affects our sleep, mental health and it can affect our personal and professional relationships.  We have to have hard boundaries if we want to prevent our employers from influencing our personal lives. Since our society romanticizes capitalism and hard work these boundaries can be hard to enforce. The first step is separating who we are from what we do. (I have a Patreon series about this for $5 – subscribe here to learn more) 

Who Am I If I’m Not My Job or List of Accomplishments? 

It doesn’t surprise me at all that myself and my clients STRUGGLE to come up with our identities outside of what we do. We are so much more than what we do for a living. Yet, the first narratives we are taught about ourselves are around what we will do to “contribute” to society (capitalism). 

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”

Much like that quote attributed to John Lennon – I think a lot of us don’t understand the question. 

Identity Trap 

When we finally grow up, go to school, pick that career path and start working towards whatever way we’ve decided to contribute, we trap ourselves. 

By only having one end goal we limit the opportunities we take. And by believing capitalism’s lie that our identities are directly tied to our jobs we end up feeling disappointed by our careers when they are lackluster or lack the glamour we dreamed of. 

In short, we’ve let capitalism romanticize work. And it’s led us into a world where we are afraid that there’s something wrong with us because we don’t love every moment or what we do everyday. We worry that there is something missing because we don’t have “dream jobs”. I for one, do not dream about working. I LOVE what I do and I LOVE helping people but I do not dream of all the paperwork involved in running a business, I do not dream of the boring stuff or the off days and THAT IS TOTALLY NORMAL. 

You Don’t Have to LOVE What You Do Everyday

Our BFF capitalism and our corporate workplace cultures feed us the narrative that if we don’t love what we do we must be awful at our jobs or miserable people or there’s something wrong with us. There is nothing wrong – you just don’t enjoy trading your time for money. That’s totally fair.

And when we finally get into these dream roles and hate them or feel unsatisfying we let ourselves get STUCK. Buried under the narrative of how hard it was to get there we decide we would rather stay miserable then try something new. And there’s nothing wrong with that if you feel fulfilled in your life. But if you don’t, or your boss sucks or you’re on a career path and want to get out – you are allowed and encouraged to strategically gtfo (it’s part of what I do – sign up for a free discovery call here).

What keeps us stuck? The fear of starting over. The fear of hating the next thing too. And when we fall victim to this we prevent ourselves from trying something new. You don’t always have to take new opportunities but it’s ok to look for them.

Let’s Stop Dreaming of Work  

In conclusion, there is nothing wrong with you if your life dreams don’t revolve around work. It is ok to stay at a job you tolerate because you like the money and don’t want to change (and if you struggle with this setup a career confidence session with me so we can put space in between you and what you do). It is ok to leave a job that you’ve spent years working towards (but please work with me and make a plan before jumping into the job market). It’s never too late to make a change and you’re allowed to feel dispassionate and annoyed about having to work. 

TLDR: Stop letting people shame you for not loving your job and stop feeling trapped in your career. 

school faceless student tired

My Monkey Mind Has Taken Over

My monkey mind has taken over my life! Here’s how to identify it and how to stop it. 

Heard or experienced any of these lately? COVID brain, self-diagnosed ADHD, auto-pilot, zoning out, scattered thoughts. These responses, spacey moments or knee jerk reactions are stress responses. They are what happens when our survival instinct kicks in and our monkey mind takes control. 

Monkey Mind Defined 

Human brains are composed of three sections. They are our lizard brain, our monkey brain and our human brain.

Our lizard brains control the basic instincts, our monkey brain controls our tissue and complex things like emotions and our human brain which allows us to remove emotions from our thoughts and to think things through or practice mindfulness. This article here goes a bit more in depth if you want to dig in (it’s absolutely fascinating)! 

Our monkey mind is the part of our brain that runs the inner monologue, the part that runs wild during meditation, and it’s tied to your ego and inner critic. Monkey mind tells you that you will never be good enough, you have too much on your plate, that you need to rush rush rush and go go go. It’s important to learn how to control and quiet our monkey mind if we want to be fully present in our lives. 

Before we dig into controlling our monkey mind I want to share that our monkey and lizard brains serve a major purpose! Since our human brain is designed to analyze situations and reactions when we encounter danger or trigger our fight or flight response we rely heavily on our lizard and monkey brains to get us to safety. 

How to Spot Your Monkey Mind 

A major problem with our well working monkey mind is that when we are overwhelmed, stressed or in an extended state of being busy we default to it. Monkey mind becomes prominent when we multitask causing us to go into auto-pilot and make decisions without thinking them through. 

For example, let’s say you are stressed to the max working on a deadline, you aren’t super thrilled with your job to begin with, you’re working from home in a small apartment and your significant other comes in to ask you a question while you’re in the middle of a sentence. You are stressed, overwhelmed, grumpy and a little frustrated with the overwhelming emotions so you may respond with a default answer because you weren’t listening or snap at them for interrupting you. This is your monkey mind and it is a warning sign that you need to stop, take a break and close some of the tabs in your brain to reduce your stress levels. 

I’m anti-multitasking on important things because it is impossible for your brain to truly focus on two things at once but I double down on this stance when it comes to the truly important things like human relationships. Make time to clear your mind. 

How to Control Your Monkey Mind 

So great, you know your monkey mind is running the ship – you are on auto-pilot, not paying attention to where the car is going – now what? Here are a few ideas for you! 

Stop, take a break, take a few deep breaths and get present in your body. If you have a meditation practice try doing a mini meditation – even just a minute of meditation can help calm my monkey mind when it’s in overdrive. 

Move your body! Get up and move, go on a walk, walk around your apartment or yard, dance for a minute or just shake your arms and legs out. Moving your body helps calm down your monkey mind and helps you get present in your body. 

Write! Get the thoughts out of your brain and on paper. I find journaling SO helpful when my brain is in chaos mode. If my brain is so full of thoughts that I can’t decide what to write I’ll throw a gratitude list together and see where that takes me. Sometimes I need to exercise my thoughts, regardless of how true they are, on paper similar to moving my body. 

Do less and reduce how busy you are! I know, this is the hard one! If you have the privilege and capacity to work smarter not harder – do it. Reduce the extra work in your life, limit the emotional labor you do for free, protect your energy and take the extra time to fill your own cup with self-care (the real kind not the marketing face mask kind). 

Remember: Being Busy Is Not Cool! 

Hope this helps! I hope you enjoyed learning a bit about your monkey mind and I hope this encourages you to rest your brain and your body. 

Need help making a plan to work smarter and not harder? Sign up for a FREE coaching consultation so we can look at your schedule together! 

Want to find a job that lets you work less and enjoy your life more? Sign up for a FREE coaching consultation so we can find your dream job. 

No idea where to start? Overwhelmed? Need help calming that monkey mind? Sign up for a FREE coaching consultation or check out my Etsy for my self-paced programs. 

Sending you all lot’s of love and rest! 

**This blog is not meant to replace mental or physical health advice from your physician. Please work with a licensed professional when it comes to your health.