A Lack of Self-Confidence


This week in my vlog I chatted about self-sabotage and how it stems from a lack of self-confidence! I shared my journey with self-sabotage and self-confidence in my life, career and my business. The video is embedded below.

Let’s chat confidence!

When I first started the coaching branch of my business, I struggled with confidence. I had the fear of judgement, fear of failure around me and I held a lot of resistance against getting to do something I actually enjoyed because I had this weird belief that everything in life had to be inconvenient and hard. This lack based mindset created a really slow start to a really exciting new part of my business. Lack based thinking also made me think that I needed to play small to be palatable and that I needed to keep my opinions to myself (which we all know is almost impossible for me and incredibly inauthentic).

Now that I am a lot stronger in the confidence department I thought it would be illuminating to share with you some of the ways I played small and sabotaged my growth due to a lack of self-confidence. 

Starting a Business During a Pandemic while Building Self-confidence

The first issue I created for myself was pacing. I took my sweet sweet time getting started because I was SCARED. Outside of things I couldn’t control like receiving my paperwork from the county, I kept myself small and slow when it came to selling. I did not want to inconvenience people I knew with my business….which is a horrible way to run a business. I was terrified of asking people to buy, saying the wrong thing or being perceived as pushy. To get over this confidence block I had to get consistent about selling and practice practice practice. I am happy to say that now that I have confidence in myself and what I offer I love selling. I truly embodied my confidence and that has not only allowed me to sell but it has also enabled me to be a better coach. 

Let’s revisit the drama of starting my business

Quitting Before I Started

Another way I self-sabotage is by quitting before I start. An example of this is gardening. When I first decided to buy plants for my patio I took the advice of my friends and family and bought some pretty annuals. I murdered those plants within weeks. At this point I looked at my patio and thought “maybe I just can’t have a pretty patio garden like other people”…this was a wildly over dramatic reaction to “failing” once. “I can’t” is a self-development enemy. By telling ourselves we can’t do something we have already decided that we will never be successful so why give it our all. I am happy to report that my very dramatic self got over her fear of being a patio plant failure and now has a moderately robust garden. Don’t quit after a set back, friends! 

Lofty Goals can Allude to a Lack Self-confidence

For my final example of self-sabotage I’m going to talk about lofty goals. When we set inordinately hard, high or unrealistic goals we are self-sabotaging under the guise of believing in ourselves. BIG BIG GOALS are good; they are important and they motivate us. Setting an unachievable  timeline to achieve those goals makes us feel ungrateful for what we do accomplish because we can’t get to the desired end result. I think that setting big goals is good but asking ourselves to be overnight successes is not. We cannot hold ourselves to rapid growth and when we do we are setting ourselves up for failure. 

Asking for overnight change also tells us that we don’t trust or believe in the person we are now. By setting a goal to be a completely different person overnight we tell ourselves that we don’t trust ourselves to get there if it takes longer, that we don’t love or trust the person we are right now and that the person we are right now is not capable of the end result we want. We have to set the individual goals first that’ll get us to that larger accomplishment.

Finding the confidence to love who you are right now and trusting yourself to get to your goal is where the magic happens. For me, the moment my mindset shifted to self-trust and self-confidence I was able to start selling confidently, build products that help people and I stopped worrying how my content was going to be perceived. I gave up on trying to live up to someone else’s definition of success and found a way to live up to my own version. 

Let’s Build Self-Confidence

I hope this motivates you to embody more confidence in your life and prioritize confidence in your personal development. If you want a little help getting started check out my confidence building journal and sign up for a free discovery call – let’s see if my coaching and confidence methods are right for you!

Debunking Mindset Myths in 2021

mindset myths

Let’s debunk some mindset myths.*A note on mindset before we begin; mindset is an amazing and helpful tool but if we don’t take aligned action it’s just thoughts. Make sure you do the mindset work AND take action. 

This week we are going to dig into the new year with new mindset myths that we think will empower us but actually hold us back. Mindset myths are out there trying to convince us to play small, to be a participant in the hamster wheel of toxic positivity and that success is just one more checkbox away. 

As a coach I see these pop up online and with my clients. In my practice it is essential that we work through these myths. Identifying where these are wrong and how we can build a more empowering mindset philosophy will help us on our journey to identifying what we want to do and how to get there. 

Mindset Myth #1: Failure = Bad

Failure is somewhat taboo. No one really likes admitting they were wrong. As a society we have made failure into a negative. Our obsession with not failing can push us over the edge. When we let our ego take over and refuse to admit that things aren’t going to plan we dig in deeper and make our mistake have a much larger impact than necessary. This mindset does not serve us when we are trying something new. 

In my personal life I’m someone who learns best by f*cking up. If I go for something, I get my hands messy, commit to it & then things go sideways. I may feel like a failure temporarily but after I reflect I learn A LOT more than if things went well right off the bat. Smooth waters never made a good sailor rings true in my life.

Failure happens, mistakes get made, and in the moment it can feel like sh*t. What we do with that failure is what matters. If we can recognize failure when it pops up, see it as a sign to pivot and not associate with feeling bad about ourselves we can adapt, adjust and rebuild. That adaptability is what self development is all about. 

Mindset Myth #2: A positive mindset is the only way to achieve success

The idea that we are one mindset shift away from being Bill Gates is absolute BS. You are not Bill Gates, you will never be Bill Gates, you are YOU! So many successful people have negative mindsets (hence why they hoard wealth) and so many positive people are struggling. Your current situation is not JUST a result of your mindset and if anyone tries to package and sell that to you they are full of sh*t. 

The toxic positivity around mindset work infuriates me. It takes an inkling of truth and turns it into a philosophy.  A positive mindset is a wonderful tool, it helps us look for solutions instead of wallowing, it helps us find the magic in the mundane, it can keep us afloat while we search for the right job, relationship or situation. It is not a ferry to your goals – it’s water wingies for when you fall in the water.

Your water wingies of positivity help you stay afloat. But you have to see the negatives, the hard stuff, the failures (see myth 1) if you want to grow. If we view our goals SOLELY through rose colored glasses we are going to miss the red flags. You deserve to achieve your goals in a way that is authentic to your human experience – don’t dim it down under the guise of “good vibes only”. 

Mindset Myth #3: I will be happy when I accomplish my goals...

Our final mindset myth is the illusive “I’ll be happy when…” Delaying our happiness by tying it to our success is a recipe for frustration. With this mindset we give in to hustle culture. We let our output determine our worth. We tell ourselves really pretty lies like “I’ll be happier when I am successful” or “My success is just around the corner”.

Instead of giving in to the hunt we need to learn to be present. I’m a big proponent of practicing mindfulness. Finding ways to find happiness or joy or fulfilment in the moment we are in. Be here now. Find the real moments now. Happiness is not something to chase in the future – it’s something to look for in the now. 

Mindfulness and being present can range from meditation (classic kind or moving meditation like yoga or dance), simply looking around the room for something that makes you smile or checking in with our body or heart to see where things come up and where we can heal. 

Happiness isn’t something to delay – it’s something to seek right now. 

To Wrap Things Up 

There are a LOT of mindset myths out there. These myths convince us to play small, gaslight ourselves and delay joy. In 2021 I’m encouraging you to call out the bs, to recognize the signs of mindset myths and toxic positivity and to ask for help if you want it. 

As a way to help more people in 2021 I’ve added some new coaching sessions to my services page. Discovery calls are always free. Let’s align your mindset with action and make a plan to make 2021 work for you. 

** please do not use this post to replace mental or physical health care from a physician. Always work with a licensed professional when it comes to your health.