Quitting Comparison

comparison

One of the ways I used to make myself miserable was by comparing myself to everyone around me. I spent my youth trying to be the smartest, wittiest, most talented person in the room…which probably made me insufferable to my peers. Lucky for my friends and family, I’ve removed this quality from my rolodex of ideal traits. This week I’m sharing the flaws in our competitive comparison culture and how I determine my self-worth without the input of others. 

Comparison Leeches on Our Relationships  

Comparison is like a leech. It feeds off of our fears of not being enough and encourages us to judge and rank those around us. Comparison tells us that our worth is based off of the metrics  we set while looking at others. It allows us to place ourselves as the center of a universe where everyone around us is ranked in a hierarchy. This is toxic, inaccurate and prevents us from viewing ourselves clearly. 

Once we start it’s hard to stop. When we are in deep with comparison, we build our communities around our perceived value and hold everyone in our lives to this same scale. In reality this does not serve us. Not only is it a disservice to ourselves and our self-esteem but it’s also unfair to everyone in our life that we are holding to standards that they don’t even know about. 

Comparison makes us narcissistic – we begin to believe that we are the judge and that we will never be good enough unless we are better than everyone else. To have a healthy relationship with ourselves and others we have to let it go. 

Using Comparison to Determine Self- Worth 

Back when comparison still had a grasp on me I would let it determine my self-worth. If I felt like shit about myself I would go look for someone else to compare myself to in an attempt to feel better. If someone was having an easier time than me I would come up with ways that I was still better than them. In every instance where I could have been looking at myself and how I could grow I was looking at others trying to bring them (or myself) down. 

Doing this doesn’t make you a monster – I think we all do this to an extent. We try to build our self-esteem off of the success of others because the only examples we see in our lives come from external sources. It’s also important to note that being inspired by someone is very different emotionally than comparing yourself to someone. For me that concept was a game changer. Once I became aware of this I was able to stop, evaluate what I wanted and build my self-esteem from my own scale of self-worth.

Self-Worth in a Silo 

Untangling from the comparison mentality is a lifelong journey. The first step was to become aware of when I was practicing comparison instead of self-reflection. The second step was to start actually working on self-reflection. To do this I started journaling. I began asking myself what I wanted, what I thought, what I liked and didn’t like about myself. What were the markers of success for me and what did I value most in a person. Once I was able to see who I wanted to be it made cutting back on comparison a bit easier. I quickly realized that the people I was comparing myself to are on very different life paths than I am. Through this I learned that I didn’t even want the things they had and I was able to figure out what I wanted instead. 

I hope this motivates you to look at the ways you are using comparison in your life. Comparison is truly the thief of joy – I am happier without it dominating my mental space. 

Want to work on this in a 1:1 capacity? Life or career coaching sessions are available here! Schedule your free discovery call today. 

Want to dive in deeper? Let’s chat!

Debunking Mindset Myths in 2021

mindset myths

Let’s debunk some mindset myths.*A note on mindset before we begin; mindset is an amazing and helpful tool but if we don’t take aligned action it’s just thoughts. Make sure you do the mindset work AND take action. 

This week we are going to dig into the new year with new mindset myths that we think will empower us but actually hold us back. Mindset myths are out there trying to convince us to play small, to be a participant in the hamster wheel of toxic positivity and that success is just one more checkbox away. 

As a coach I see these pop up online and with my clients. In my practice it is essential that we work through these myths. Identifying where these are wrong and how we can build a more empowering mindset philosophy will help us on our journey to identifying what we want to do and how to get there. 

Mindset Myth #1: Failure = Bad

Failure is somewhat taboo. No one really likes admitting they were wrong. As a society we have made failure into a negative. Our obsession with not failing can push us over the edge. When we let our ego take over and refuse to admit that things aren’t going to plan we dig in deeper and make our mistake have a much larger impact than necessary. This mindset does not serve us when we are trying something new. 

In my personal life I’m someone who learns best by f*cking up. If I go for something, I get my hands messy, commit to it & then things go sideways. I may feel like a failure temporarily but after I reflect I learn A LOT more than if things went well right off the bat. Smooth waters never made a good sailor rings true in my life.

Failure happens, mistakes get made, and in the moment it can feel like sh*t. What we do with that failure is what matters. If we can recognize failure when it pops up, see it as a sign to pivot and not associate with feeling bad about ourselves we can adapt, adjust and rebuild. That adaptability is what self development is all about. 

Mindset Myth #2: A positive mindset is the only way to achieve success

The idea that we are one mindset shift away from being Bill Gates is absolute BS. You are not Bill Gates, you will never be Bill Gates, you are YOU! So many successful people have negative mindsets (hence why they hoard wealth) and so many positive people are struggling. Your current situation is not JUST a result of your mindset and if anyone tries to package and sell that to you they are full of sh*t. 

The toxic positivity around mindset work infuriates me. It takes an inkling of truth and turns it into a philosophy.  A positive mindset is a wonderful tool, it helps us look for solutions instead of wallowing, it helps us find the magic in the mundane, it can keep us afloat while we search for the right job, relationship or situation. It is not a ferry to your goals – it’s water wingies for when you fall in the water.

Your water wingies of positivity help you stay afloat. But you have to see the negatives, the hard stuff, the failures (see myth 1) if you want to grow. If we view our goals SOLELY through rose colored glasses we are going to miss the red flags. You deserve to achieve your goals in a way that is authentic to your human experience – don’t dim it down under the guise of “good vibes only”. 

Mindset Myth #3: I will be happy when I accomplish my goals...

Our final mindset myth is the illusive “I’ll be happy when…” Delaying our happiness by tying it to our success is a recipe for frustration. With this mindset we give in to hustle culture. We let our output determine our worth. We tell ourselves really pretty lies like “I’ll be happier when I am successful” or “My success is just around the corner”.

Instead of giving in to the hunt we need to learn to be present. I’m a big proponent of practicing mindfulness. Finding ways to find happiness or joy or fulfilment in the moment we are in. Be here now. Find the real moments now. Happiness is not something to chase in the future – it’s something to look for in the now. 

Mindfulness and being present can range from meditation (classic kind or moving meditation like yoga or dance), simply looking around the room for something that makes you smile or checking in with our body or heart to see where things come up and where we can heal. 

Happiness isn’t something to delay – it’s something to seek right now. 

To Wrap Things Up 

There are a LOT of mindset myths out there. These myths convince us to play small, gaslight ourselves and delay joy. In 2021 I’m encouraging you to call out the bs, to recognize the signs of mindset myths and toxic positivity and to ask for help if you want it. 

As a way to help more people in 2021 I’ve added some new coaching sessions to my services page. Discovery calls are always free. Let’s align your mindset with action and make a plan to make 2021 work for you. 

** please do not use this post to replace mental or physical health care from a physician. Always work with a licensed professional when it comes to your health. 

Meet Your Mindset Monsters

mindset monsters

I’ve been thinking a lot about my mindset monsters. These monsters are thoughts that hold me back, the fears that keep me playing small, all the self beliefs that try to keep me “safe” and for a very long time they kept me from even knowing what I wanted to do. Since I’ve come to terms with my mindset monsters I’ve grown immeasurably and I have no plans to stop. But as I’ve ruminated on how they held me back I realized that my mindset monsters aren’t uniquely mine. 

I created a program about facing them and I shared it with all of you. This week that program is on a major sale and to accompany this sale I’m going to share a different monster everyday on my Instagram & Twitter this week. Our monsters include: 

  • Our “What If” Monster
  • Judgmental Jerry
  • Checking in with our gut 

Ready to jump in? Follow along on any of my social media platforms! 

Want to face your mindset monsters head on? Visit my Etsy & enter code 2020Burnout for 50% off 

Let’s find clarity on what you want, on your own time & at your own pace. 

Need someone to work through the program with you? Sign up for a coaching 1:1 & we can chat it out. Discovery calls are always free! Scroll to the bottom of this page to sign up!